like a ribbon of smoke in the wind
by Tiffany Blews
Summary: Quinn Fabray, reading between the lines, and Rachel Berry, being oblivious.


like a ribbon of smoke in the wind

* * *

The one thing Quinn's never been able to deny?

The effect that Rachel's voice has on her. Since that first day, hiding in the shadows of the auditorium, she's been haunted by the sound. Even when she hated Rachel to her core, that voice shone through like a beacon in the night.

Here, in the darkness, it is what she listens for.

* * *

To say she is lost would be an understatement.

Pink hair, tattoos, and cigarette smoke... Who she was fades away in the summer heat. Every step Quinn takes is in the wrong direction. Her heart is a wasteland, a battle field long since abandoned.

It is Rachel who tells her this is her year to get it right.

Quinn doesn't know if she's ever really been right, but it's a nice idea, and maybe she's got a little fight left in her.

* * *

"You have nothing to be scared of."

Oh, she thinks, as Rachel smiles timidly, but I do. Rachel's mary janes squeak on the linoleum as she walks away and Quinn bites her lip so hard that she draws blood.

* * *

"We're kind of friends, aren't we?"

"Kind of."

* * *

Who gets married in high school?

Quinn thoroughly disapproves.

She thinks getting pregnant is more appropriate. At least that's accidental, at least it wasn't a choice. But marriage? Who even knows what they want at this age? Who could say that they want to be with their partner forever, at seventeen?

She tells Rachel she can't do it... She has to say goodbye. Right?

...right?

* * *

"I got into Yale."

For a sliver of a second, she thinks she sees sadness in Rachel's eyes. Just for a moment, and then it's gone, replaced by her cheeky grin and words of congratulation.

Quinn doesn't know what she was hoping for.

* * *

She puts on the damn dress.

She puts on the damn dress and stands in front of her mirror and her hands are shaking, like the day she held the positive test between her fingertips and it all feels the same.

Loss. Change. Regret.

She can't breathe around the lump in her throat, but she smoothes down the pink fabric and holds her head up high.

* * *

"Because of Rachel?"

Finn's breaking up with her, tears slipping down his cheeks, and she tastes that old familiar hatred on her tongue. It is nothing new, at this point. If she were pathetic, she'd probably start screaming, but she's Quinn, master of emotions. She slams the truck door and stomps her way down the sidewalk, silently fuming.

It's not the loss of Finn that bothers her... It's the loss to Berry. Again.

Quinn stops when she catches sight of Rachel, chatting with Kurt at his car. She watches Rachel smile slightly, head turning to the side, like the main character in a movie.

Her fingernails are leaving crescent moons on the inside of her palms, and she knows she'll never admit to defeat at the hands of this girl. Even as Rachel leaves traces of friendship on everything she touches, even as Quinn's heart rips a little more each time she walks away.

This is life.

* * *

She almost told Mercedes one time.

The summer after Beth, when her body was healing and her heart had started to beat again... Mercedes was painting her nails and talking about love, about feelings and choices. Quinn held her breath and counted to ten, and when her ears started to ring, she almost blurted it out.

She got as far as "I... I..." and then the moment was gone. She faked a laugh and shook her head, "I was an idiot for thinking Puck was on my level, even for a minute. His IQ is in the single digits."

Mercedes chuckled and tipped over the bottle of polish. It stained Quinn's fingers red and she watched as Mercedes quickly cleaned it off the table. She wished it was that easy to clean up her life.

* * *

"We're in love, Quinn. I'm in love."

Santana's glowing, a smile on her face, fingers twisting in her hair. Quinn thinks... Well, it doesn't matter anyways.

(She has no one.)

* * *

The darkness lasts for hours, days, minutes... Who knows? Time is immeasurable. It flows like water off her fingertips, endless, ongoing. She is only halfway there, really, floating in and out of memories and visions of the future. She spends a lot of time in her childhood, and Beth's face is omnipresent. Voices echo across the distance, songs play in loops. It feels like last summer, only without the heat and cigarettes. She spins.

The accident hits her in flashes. She hears the crash first, sees the text on her phone, feels the blood on her skin. The pain is strangely absent, which leads her to believe that, if she's dead, she's probably in heaven. Pain doesn't exist there, right? Anyways, once the images come, Quinn remembers. Everything had been fuzzy and a little unreal until that point.

She begins to wonder why she's just floating here, present in this darkness. She's sharp again, now, and fully aware. She remembers.

She remembers.

* * *

Rachel is texting her, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Her hands are sweaty and shaking on the wheel, already, and she tries to bottle her emotions the way she always has. She breathes in and out slowly, keeps her eyes on the road. This is nothing, compared to what she's been through. This is nothing.

Quinn reminds herself, Rachel said no.

There is no clearer answer, nothing left to dwell over. This is the end, and Quinn will stand and watch the story book close. She will smile and congratulate and accept what she already knew from the beginning.

* * *

"When you were singing that song, you were singing to Finn, and Finn only, right?"

Please, God. Please, God. Please, God. What is she praying for?

"Yes."

Her relief feels a little too much like dissapointment.

* * *

"You're a lot better than you know."

Quinn has one thought and one thought only:

Why are you doing this to me?

* * *

"I'm not mad at you."

No, she's just mad at herself. Disappointed in herself. Disgusted with herself. Rachel must be appalled by her... Still, why is she apologizing? Quinn thinks it's ridiculous to apologize for doing the right thing.

And Rachel sits with her, stays with her, listens to her. Even though she's terrible and evil and not the person she ever wanted herself to be. Rachel stays with her.

She thinks she'd rather be alone (but not really.)

* * *

"You know, if the roles were reversed, I would have tortured you."

"I know."

Kindness. This is Rachel Berry.

* * *

Quinn is selfish.

She knows this, always has. It's who she is.

She thinks that's why she hates Rachel so much. Maybe she isn't the prettiest girl in the world, or the most popular, but she's so... She's everything that Quinn isn't. She's everything that Quinn wants to be. And maybe Quinn wants to rob her of that. Maybe Quinn wants to level the playing field.

Or maybe she's not that deep. Maybe she just hates Rachel for no reason at all.

Finn gives her a reason, and it's easier to blame her hatred on him than it is to admit that maybe she's a little bit in love with who Rachel is.

* * *

"You have to let go, and start your future."

She's talking to herself as much as she is Rachel.

God, she wants to let go.

* * *

"Please, please, please just wake up,"

Quinn opens her eyes.


End file.
